The folder on my computer where I save Liam's photos is called "Newborn Pictures". It needs to be renamed. Liam is 2 months old and between the post about what I learnt in the first month of his life and this post, he has really changed things on me. First of all, he no longer wants to go to sleep, even when he needs to. Whoever coined the phrase "sleeping like a baby" obviously hadn't met mine. It is hilarious when he is obviously sleepy and doing his little sing-song, half-hearted whine and trying to keep those peepers open as wide as possible, sometimes only managing to keep one open. But the one thing I definitely learnt this past month is that my love is not enough. I never knew there would be days when I would be frustrated with my own baby. When Will and I decide to call it an early night because we're so exhausted and at 10pm we have a baby that's wide awake with no plans of sleeping. We'd rock him, shush him, frustration mounting. Liam would look at us puzzled for a moment and then smile real big and try to squirm out of his swaddle. There are days when if I just try to love him with my limited, conditional love, his love bank would never fill up. "Maybe we're not cut out to be parents", I'd tell Will, comparing myself to other new moms that just seemed so giddy with excitement around their babies, ALL the time. Will would shake his head, refusing to agree with me when I said that Liam was going to be an only child.
More than ever today I feel that I need God. I need Him to fill my heart with His love so I can extend that to Liam. I'm a mess when I haven't had a conversation with God and haven't given control over to Him for the day. I've stopped asking God to make me more patient. It was futile saying "God give me patience and give it to me NOW." Instead, I ask for guidance.
The things we have enjoyed most this past month are Liam's smiles and coos. He loves to talk! Sometimes we swear he can speak English. Like when Will said "do you need clean pants?" and Liam said "yeah". Or this morning when he burped and then said "ewww".
Hang in there and keep reading my blog. You'll find more encouragement than you thought you needed in what I have to say =) ALL moms have a tough time whether they say so or not. Especially if it's their first child. I have 4 and still have days I think I'm not cut out to be a mom. Take one day at a time and call if you need to vent. But beware...I may vent right back ;)
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