My opinion as an outsider looking from the inside: American Parents you don't have it all backwards

The title of a blog recently grabbed my attention: "Have American Parents got it all backwards?". I groaned a little even though I am not an "American Parent". I think the audience that reads a parenting blog is one that is already carrying a load of guilt. Mothers and fathers doing their best and second guessing everything they do. To wonder if they have it all backwards is certainly not an uplifting thought. By no means do I have the author, Ms. Gross-Loh's research background or wide travel experience. I write merely as someone who grew up in the East, has travelled a little and now live in the West. I was probably raised very differently from the way I raise my kids now and yet, I probably raise them very similarly as well - as a parent, making mistakes and hoping that my children will still turn out OK. I do not deny Christine Gross-Loh's research findings that pit stereotypical American parenting against stellar examples worldwide. I do think that if you take the best parenting from each country and put it all together, you might have the formula for perfect parents worldwide. Sadly, that is not practical. So, as an outsider that lives in America and encounters American parents everyday, working hard to raise their children to be diligent future citizens, I want to offer some words of encouragement: you don't have it all backwards. Hey, you may even be doing okay.

This blog post too has a target audience. I'm not talking about people that don't care about the cries of their children. I'm talking about parents that trudge to the nursery 10 times a night if that's what it takes to snuggle their baby, fall asleep in a rocker or stay awake, seeing every hour on that clock. That parent that wants to meet that need of that crying infant even though they would not know what the need was if they had 12 hours of sleep, not 2. I'm talking about the parent getting down on the floor to engage with their child. Putting puzzles together, building every imaginable and unimaginable Lego structure. Building your child's self confidence, showing them they're important to you, letting their own problem solving skills emerge. Homeschooling mom or dad, using your freedom to legally teach your children at home. Public schooling parent, deeply involved in fighting for fairness, knocking on someone's doors for the 10th time to address your child being bullied in school. American parent, telling your little girl that she is a princess, not created inferior to her brother in any way. You are doing okay.

My husband and I do our fair share of co-sleeping. We find it a lot easier to bring a baby or scared preschooler to our bed in the middle of the night and meet their needs there. Other nights one of us has curled up with our preschooler, stroking his hair through a thunderstorm or making sure there are no monsters in the closet. We don't do this because I'm an Indian parent or he's an American parent but because a parent's instinct around the world is to comfort their child. From talking to other parents, I do believe that this is what happens in many homes in America. I see parents wearing their babies on hikes, at Church or at the grocery store, keeping them close. I also speak to my friends raising their children in the East, a few of them using their children as a means to escape working on their marriage, leading to what is now becoming quite the epidemic in the East - not knowing how to relate to your spouse after your children leave the home. Co-sleeping or not co-sleeping is not the issue. Motive is. If you desire to meet the needs of your children and remain in a strong marriage, you can do it irrespective of whether your children spend part, all or none of the night in your bed. There is much more to raising a secure child than co-sleeping. You can co-sleep all you want and still break a child's self-worth and self-reliance down by raising them to fear you or be shamed.

I bristled a little reading about how children need to feel obligated. I wish there were only advantages to being raised that way. I do agree that children and adoloscents may do better when they feel obligated to pay families back through hard work. It definitely kept my grades up in college. But I have heard of far too many people give up their desire to marry someone of their choice because the parents they feel obligated to did not like the caste, financial background or skin color of the person they love. Or the guilt and fear of failure that comes with this sense of obligation. One wrong move could bring shame on the parents and the community you are obligated to. My husband and I have discussed finding some sort of middle ground. We do want our children to feel obligated to do well in school. But we want them to come home for Christmas because they WANT to, even though we raised them to let them go.

Are there flaws with American parenting? Most definitely, just as there are flaws in parenting styles around the world. There's much to learn and appreciate from different cultures around the world. What I love about parenting in America and strive to adapt while parenting my children is respect, even for the littlest - knowing that they have opinions and feelings and to really listen to them instead of teaching them 'my right way' to do things. I don't want to raise cookie cutter versions of me and my husband. I want them to be everything God wants them to be. And so I trudge on using my slightly backwards parenting style.